Owning the small embarrassing thing#
Handed an easy opportunity to mock his brother for having painted nails, one very famous, very large actor said his were painted too. His daughter and niece had done them. No flinch, no explanation, no need for anyone to agree it was fine.
That reads as comfort in your own skin in a way that no amount of confident posture does, because there’s nothing left for anyone to catch you at.
The rule generalises well: if you’d be embarrassed to be found out, either make peace with it out loud or stop. Both are fine. Hiding is the only expensive option.
Jokes that put the other person up#
Being funny helps. Being funny in a way that lifts whoever’s nearby helps considerably more.
- Make your friend the answer to the question. He’s the one you want at a party.
- Have their back in public, in small ways, in front of people who’ll remember.
- Play the opposite game — claim the obviously untrue reverse. You’re not competitive at all. Light, easy, works on most people. Don’t run it into the ground.
- Keep it short. This is the part people get wrong. A joke that elevates someone is charming for about eight seconds and unbearable at three minutes. Throw it, then move on. Dragging it out turns generosity into effort, and everyone can see the effort.
Teasing works too, but only from someone who’s been generous first. The tease lands because of everything that came before it.
And it needs a serious register underneath. The people who are genuinely magnetic can talk about being proud, being scared they’re not good enough, being envious — without checking the room first. The jokes are better because they’re not the only thing on offer.
Give the credit away#
Deflecting praise to the director, to the co-stars, to whoever else was in the room costs nothing and compounds.
Two reasons it works. People trust the praise of someone who doesn’t grab it, so on the day you do claim something, it’s believed. And the work is long — the relationships built by handing credit around produce better outcomes for years, in both directions.
Two conditions: only compliment when you mean it, and read your position. A boss telling an employee they did something well can make their month. The same sentence upward, at the wrong moment, sounds like an angle.
The one I’d be careful with#
There’s a common piece of advice in this area about being physically warm — touching people’s arms and shoulders — on the theory that being a universal toucher reads as friendliness, while singling one person out reads as something else.
The observation underneath is true. Touch that only ever happens with one particular person, in one particular context, does feel different, and people notice.
But “become more touchy with everyone” is the wrong instruction to hand someone who isn’t already reading rooms well, and it’s the sort of advice that’s easy to follow badly. The failure mode isn’t shyness. It’s the person who rests a hand on your shoulder slightly too long, never checks whether it’s welcome, and is never touched back.
The better version is smaller: don’t make contact a special event. A brief hand on the arm when you’re pleased to see someone, gone before it’s noticed, calibrated to how well you know them and where you are in the world. If you’re unsure, do less. Nobody has ever been described as cold for not touching a stranger.
A few small things to try:
- Name the thing you’d rather nobody knew, once, out loud, casually.
- Make a friend the hero of your next joke, in one sentence.
- Pass on a compliment you meant to give three weeks ago.
- Next time praise arrives, name someone else who earned part of it.
