The mistakes that actually cost you#
None of these are about cutlery. Every one is about how somebody else ends up feeling.
- Letting the door go. Not malicious, just not looking. The message received is I didn’t notice you were there. Hold it long enough to catch their eye and hand it over. You’re not obliged to stand there for a queue.
- Too much cologne. You should be discovered, not announced. If it’s noticeable across a room, it’s several sprays too many. The target is someone catching it when they lean in to shake your hand.
- The undecided greeting. Handshake or hug — decide before you arrive, then commit. The collision of one person going in for each is entirely avoidable and everyone remembers it.
- Opening with “so what do you do?” It’s the most predictable question available and it files someone under a job title before you know anything about them. What do you like to do when you’re not working? opens the door the other one closes. The solicitor in front of you might restore vintage motorbikes, and you will never find out by asking about law.
- “Why don’t you just…” Said to someone describing a problem, it implies the answer was obvious and they were too slow to see it. They’ve usually tried it. Listen first, and if you do offer something, offer it as a suggestion rather than an instruction.
- One-word answers. Fine. Good. Technically a reply, practically a wall — it hands the entire job of the conversation back to the other person. Answer, then give something back.
- Shutting half the table out. Two people at a table of four sliding into a shared reference or a niche subject leaves the others smiling politely at nothing. A topic only half the table can follow belongs in a different conversation.
- Matching aggression. Someone raises their voice and you match it — now there’s more volume and the same amount of clarity. Staying level while the other person climbs is the quieter kind of authority, and it’s the person who kept their composure who leaves intact.
- Being the style police. Unsolicited notes on someone’s appearance, however helpfully framed, mostly just make them self-conscious for the rest of the evening. Notice things. Don’t always say them.
- Not replying to invitations. You don’t have to accept. You do have to answer, and reasonably soon. Silence is its own reply about how much the relationship is worth to you.
On “I’m just being honest”#
The three-question filter is the most useful thing here.
Before the unvarnished remark: is it true, is it actually necessary, and is this the right moment?
Most cutting honesty fails the second one. It gets said because holding it in was uncomfortable for the person saying it, which makes it a favour to yourself dressed as a favour to someone else. Staying quiet in that case isn’t dishonest — it’s just tact, and the distinction is worth having.
Back to the compliment thing#
The reason I’d start with compliment-deflection rather than any of the others is that almost nobody thinks they’re doing anything wrong. It genuinely feels like humility.
But someone giving you a compliment has made a small offer, and swatting it away is a rejection of the offer, not of the praise. It also creates work — now they have to insist, and reassure you, and the whole thing takes three rounds when it should have taken one.
Say thank you. Stop there. It’s harder than it sounds and it’s the fastest of all of these to fix.
A few small things to try:
- Accept the next compliment with two words and nothing else.
- Swap “what do you do?” for the other version, once.
- Run one blunt thought through the three questions before saying it.
- Reply to the invitation sitting in your inbox right now.
